A while back I was asked: “How do I achieve emotional de-tachment from someone?” I answered this question of “Becky’s” on Quora and feel to repost a version of that answer again here.
The ability to emotionally detach from a person without residual “negative” energy (“karma”) is a very advanced skill. Many today are languishing in sadness, feeling emotionally “stuck” in the channel of “mourning” because of their lack of this understanding. In the process, humanity is weaving entangled knots of emotional debt and further creating a snarled worldwide web.
BUT… “the Truth shall set you free!”
And here is the Truth about relationships and “How to emotionally detach from people.”
You can NEVER detach from what is Real! What is Real is permanent. (See my post: “What is Real?”) What is real has always existed and will always exist. For those with a spiritual or religious background, one of the profound hints offered in scripture is the repeated use of the phrase: “And it came to pass….” All that is UNreal or illusory in nature, Shall “come to pass.” This includes relationships.
Look at it this way:
If I hold out both of my closed fists and ask you what each contains AND to tell me how they relate to each other… You would be incapable of correctly responding. You wouldn’t have a clue! If, however, you had an idea what one of the fists held, then you could guess at what the other held and venture a further guess as to their relationship.
If you had no idea that one of the contents categorized “hot” and the other “cold” then you would not know that their relationship was “temperature.”
If you thought that maybe one fist contained the representation of “yellow,” then you might guess that the other might be “red” and that their relationship was “color.” But, what if the other was “red” and their decided relationship was “apple?” Or, maybe it was “green” and their appointed relationship was “apple?” Perhaps one was “particle” and the other was “wave” and their relationship was “light.”
There are infinite “relationship” potentials with billions of potential contents to each fist. Therefore, in order to truly KNOW… not to venture a guess or even to calculate the odds based on any known criteria… but to truly KNOW the relationship between two chosen “things” or “ideas”, one must completely understand each variable in the equation, or rather, each hidden item in each hand.
Are you with me?
As individuals, we experience life and interactions with others and gain experience. If applied, one’s experiences can help one come to understand one’s personal preferences. What do I really enjoy? What brings me lasting happiness? What tastes good and brings me health and positive energy… in the long run? How do I like to feel? What actions and thoughts allow me to feel that way the most and the longest? In which ways do I interact with others that affects them and myself in the highest manner? Who do I really enjoy being around? WHO AM I? Really.
Today, as most people are stuck in their perpetual running of the treadmill of “success,” they choose to use their available “free” time to be distracted… looking to THINGS and OTHERS to define who they are instead of utilizing their experiences to give them possible ideas of who they are while predominantly looking deep within them self to apply these questions, utilize their feelings as a helpful feedback system, and discern their own unique answers for themselves.
As we interact with others, especially in levels of intimacy, we assist the “other” and they assist us to hone certain skills, try new activities, develop certain abilities. For instance, if a young teenage male has developed an interest and ability in running and is on his high school track team, his new female love interest will revamp her allotted time to watch and encourage and participate with him in this. She may even take up running herself. Or, perhaps, for the sake of their relationship, they will decide upon an activity that will be enjoyable and unique to them and their relationship. If she loves poetry, she will invariably quote him some poems in their conversations. He will then learn more of poetry than he had in the past, perhaps even becoming interested enough to learn some lines to recite to her. Who knows but that through their interactions, HE may become a gifted poet?
Particularly if bodily fluids are exchanged through kissing and physical intimacy, each one in a relationship becomes changed through their interactions, blending bits and pieces of them self, their perspective, their abilities, their interests, their relationships with those of the other. Yes, one’s DNA is literally transformed through our interactions with each other. We truly do become like those with whom we associate.
Perhaps you have seen this in couples who have lived together over several decades. Not only does their inner world develop in degrees of likeness with each other, but their physical characteristics do, too.
Warning: Be Care-FULL when choosing energetic entanglement with another… especially sexually. This is how karma is acquired. This is cosmic debt which must be neutralized through further experience with each other. Choose wisely and deeply ponder what I write here so that you can relinquish those emotional soul-chains from which you have become bound.
Another caution: Just because you “Love” someone and feel a deep connection with them, that may not mean that it is appropriate for the two of you to engage in a relationship. Perhaps a friendship or platonic relationship will assist the two of you the most. Ponder deep within before entering a “relationship” of an intimate quality with another. The one you most must dis-cover and relate to is waiting within your own body. This relationship should take precedence over any and all others!
Because few have achieved “Self-Realization” by climbing to the top of their emotional/ spiritual mountain and, thus, Really KNOW Who *They* Truly Are… HOW, then, is it in any stretch of the imagination possible to have a TRUE relationship with Any One else? Especially another who does not yet KNOW Who *They* Truly Are???
It is not.
True, lasting relationships are impossible with two ego-centered individuals; even when only one in a (supposed) relationship is an ego-centered individual. True, lasting relationships are ONLY possible when BOTH are committed to soul growth, transparency, and becoming ONE in heart and mind. To love another deeply does NOT mean that a relationship with that other is the highest good. Feeling bonded with another may signify experience with the essence within them in a former life and thus, soul-recognition is being perceived. Perhaps there is healing on that level that must be carried out, or a forgotten commitment to assist within this life. However, a choice to be emotionally and physically intimate is a most serious commitment and must be entertained with discernment to avoid further entanglement.
Even after that decision has been made, that two people may choose to stay together for a time, even decades or through their lifetimes, does not necessarily signify growth and accomplishment as many today believe; but is often a highly-touted counterfeit to true success. Instead, by choosing relationship “security” one is possibly also choosing stagnation, “cheating,” dishonesty, frustration, empty loneliness and unmet expectations. Just because two people stick-it-out together, does not qualify for a “magic wand” to bond them as an eternal couple, no matter what any religion touts.
Does this mean that relationships are fruitless? Absolutely not! When we interact with others, we have the potential, as stated above, to share, learn, grow, develop wisdom and empathy. When honest with our self, we can even learn more about our self and it is this truth that will “set us free.”
As one begins to apply them self to really and integrously learn about them self during their experiences in life, they will consciously evolve. They will come to respect and value them self more. They will forgive them self and their past indiscretions along their journey of self-discovery easier. AND TO THAT VERY SAME DEGREE, they will respect, love, value and forgive every “other,” including the “other variable” in their couple equation.
For instance, as each individual goes through life’s experiences, pain is the inevitable result. You fall from a tree, gravity pulls you down and a broken shoulder and its physical anguish is a possible consequence. Your best friend moves far away and a deep sense of loss is potentially felt. In infinite ways, life is set up to give each of us opportunity for lessons in pain and grief.
However, though pain is inevitable, suffering is not. When one learns HOW to suffer, suffering is no longer necessary.
Yet, instead of remaining in gratitude and keeping uppermost the view of the positive nature of life and one’s experiences, most descend through their pain and losses into increasingly greater hardness of heart. Because of this, there has been tremendous suffering as we have “related” to each other here on earth.
Although one’s inner divine essence is held inviable, like layers of an onion, calcified wall upon wall upon wall become ever deepening shields to its ever being penetrated so deeply again. Pain is avoided like the plague. This is the systematic severance of the ability to TRUST deeply and completely. This is the current state of so many in society that are labeled “narcissists,” and any of the other myriad of “personality dis-orders.” Each experience with pain laying down a further layer of insulation in one’s ability to trust until a thick emotionally-protective shell has been established. Thus, one becomes harder and harder of heart, more and more wary of never “being hurt again.”
To prove that our emotional needs are MORE important than our physical needs: If men have hands, why do they desire intimacy with a woman? 😉 (Think a bit about that if you need to.) Men are pre-wired TO NEED a woman as their soul’s “Help-Mate.” A man requires a wise mommy to establish him on a firm foundation during his formative childhood years, then another wise woman to help him stay there. For platonic, egoic relationships, another male will do, but he will realize little if no soul growth. For cowering in his own corner, pouting, being off by himself (in his “dog house”) will do. But for real, emotional soul growth, a man REQUIRES a woman, a wise Self-Realized woman. He must learn to see his “blind-spots” from her perspective. Now, that’s humility and the potential for soul growth!
Not just men, however, we EACH require others emotionally and physically to dis-cover and live up to WHO we Really are!
Yet, without both parties being completely willing to be honest with them self and each other, a false interchange is lived out because the integral, pure essence is covered up and unavailable both to the person herself and to any and all who enter into relationship with her. This “past-feeling” state turns one into a veritable “zombie” or “robotic,” in varying degrees of reduced awareness and consciousness. This is the state that is currently playing out in humanity and within most “relationships” to one degree or another.
Thus, my continual desire to help each of us make that brave decision to, at all costs, become REAL; with brutal determination and honest humility, look at, listen to, and re-embrace the shunned parts of our self WHILE PRUNING the UN-real pieces that we utilized in our attempts to exist.
Now, back to “relationships”:
To re-late to another is to emotionally join to some degree with them. The depth of relating possible depends upon the calcification surrounding each party’s innermost essence.
If one variable in a “relationship”… You… apply your self during life to gain more and more integrity and develop consciously… but the “other” in a relationship does NOT, then your perhaps somewhat workable prior “equation” no longer equates as it did before. If you thought before that you identify as a “two” and you operated from that perspective, yet life helped you to determine that, no, you are closer to a “five” and yet the other thinks and operates from the perspective of a “one”… then the former answer to your relationship equation of “three” (2 + 1 = 3) no longer works! You have outgrown that relationship!
IF you, original requester, truly are named “Becky,” then there is good reason for me to believe that you, Becky, are female. Wearing a female body, you have access to hidden information. Yes, females “see through the veil,” or rather, females have greater propensity to understand the innate essence hidden within another’s “mask” or assumed persona. Because most individuals have failed to really, steadily, apply them self to dis-cover Who *They* TRULY Are, they are living an invented identity. But, as you look deeply within their soul, you are able to see the essence or “spirit” of another individual and treat them as they REALLY are. IF they are open-minded and have contrite enough spirit to allow them self to stretch into THAT True Being, then your equation can likewise be flexible and the two variables are able to shift into new alignment and integrity. Now, you can allow the answer to also be elastic and present the wholeness of a new and workable sum.
This is precisely why women MUST be the nurturers! Women must “come home” and raise the children! Correctly and in wholeness! Women, after first dis-covering Who *They* are… Really, Actually, Truly, In Essence… must take up their appointed tasks to “raise the sons of earth.” Not as the males have believed they “should” be. Not as the males have “wanted” to be. Not as history has prescribed their roles, but AS THEY *TRULY* Are!
Okay… now, I can in simplicity answer your question. 🙂
To emotionally detach from people:
You must first discover who YOU are and live the Truth of Your Being. None other. Then, you love and validate every other Being sincerely and purely and to the best of your ability, not as they currently present them selves, but as they Actually Are. This is living the top and ultimate of the three levels of the “Golden Rule.”
Here, in brief, are the THREE TIERS of the “Golden Rule”:
#1: Treat others as YOU want to be treated.
#2: Treat others as THEY want to be treated. (Or, in other words, as YOU would want to be treated IF you were them.)
#3: Treat others as THEIR ADVANCED, ETERNAL SELF wants their temporary alias self to be treated. This is at times “tough love” or in other words acting not in ways to placate their current state of existence, but in ways to assist their soul growth. In order to interact with another at this level, one must personally operate from a state of Highly Evolved Consciousness. This degree of consciousness is what I term: L.O.V.E., or the level of vibratory excellence.
If, as you interact with another within a decided “relationship,” they do not choose emotional union and its necessary transparency and responsible movement towards greater consciousness and, thus, do not allow you to live in integrity with the Truth of Your Being…
Then “divorce” them.
Leave the conversation.
Disengage from the equation.
Leave them alone.
Give them the space and the opportunity to live their life as they choose to and flounder (if that is their choice) or not (if that is their choice)… without you.
BE the HAPPY Flavor that You Are!
Love Them… the Real, essential Them… from afar.
In your mind and heart you quietly and sincerely “thank” them for helping you dis-cover more who you Really Are. They were your teacher for a time. But, you have “graduated” from their class.
You do not have to continue hanging out with teachers or former classmates… unless you choose to because you want to because they enhance your life going forward!
Go enjoy other classes as you realize that your shared interactions can assist to teach each of you more clearly who you Truly Are.
Find the JOY that you Are!
BE the JOY that you Are!
IF you conscientiously embrace each potential “relationship” as an opportunity to learn more accurately who you really are while assisting the other to recognize and live more in harmony with who THEY are, then the dis-connections will lose their sting. In the place of suffering, loss, and mourning, will be gratitude for the precious memories and the skills and perspectives gained. You will see that the time invested was not time lost but has been of great worth in this most valuable of acquisitions: “Self-Realization” and wise service to humanity.
Please understand that I write from personal experience and the wisdom born therein. I have loved and de-tached from many in my life. Although I continue to feel exquisite love for David and see him as a precious, multi-talented human being, KNOWING that we have an eternity to spend together… eventually, I was led to finally and firmly, emotionally and physically detach. Because of his choices and needs for emotional maturation, we are a perfect example of a love that must be maintained without relationship. His soul growth requires a degree of honesty and consistency that he has not as yet chosen. Will he ever arise to that level of consciousness in his current body? That is yet to be seen.
Regardless, I will continue to pour out my love to him from afar. At present, I still have pangs of “missing him” and our interactions. I continue to receive communication from his spirit about how he is doing and this keeps me feeling for him, yet I am applying the words I write. I learned so very much with and because of David, yet he was not ready for the fullness of my gift, even now reverting to his former identity, name, and pursuits in many ways. Oh, how I hope that at some time, while he still has the opportunity, and before he accrues any more unnecessary karma, he applies my love and the vision I offered that could assist him to achieve Self-Realization.
To heal the planet and assist each other in our respective healing and evolvement, we must each become strong, acting and interacting from a place of wisdom. In this way, we have a wealth of spirit (vs. being “poor in spirit”), that can then be invested in validating and lifting each other appropriately. We must each learn how to correctly and consistently interact from the top tier of the “Golden Rule.”
The interest paid from this spiritual investment is the most profitable work any of us can be involved in. May we each enlist in “the Father’s business” which is each of our birth right.
P.S. I will continue to write and help to bring to wholeness each and every individual… until all the Earth is cleansed and regenerated and peace reigns, and we all relate as “one heart” and “one mind” and there is no emotionally OR physically “poor” among us.
In my pursuit of Real Truth, I have given up everything. Crawling through the “eye of the needle,” I have learned the *mysteries* and am now giving my life to assist YOU to dis-cover Who *YOU* really are, along with your unique gift to offer humanity. As you learn to seek (in the right place and with purified intent), you WILL find treasures of lasting value, along with every promised reward. Together, we will establish a society of humane beings and live life ALIVE, on PURPOSE, and with a sociality unequaled… because we will each BE and view each other as equally and profoundly DIVINE! Please… catch this Hope and Vision and join with me.