History on this planet has been a record of mankind’s attempts to interact with each other as each individual comes to know them self. How would I act in this situation/ culture/ family/ body/ mental capacity/ opportunities for education, wealth, access to basic necessities, etc. etc. etc.? Obviously not everything can be experienced within one single life time, thus the need for multiple experiences in a variety of situations.
We each have had varied lessons and utilized varying degrees of heed and diligence to ponder upon our experiences in order to glean the lessons from each… all attempting to guide us to self-realization.
We are here to discover who we really are! This is something that NO ONE ELSE can tell us. Who *I* am is something that *I* must figure out for myself. A key component to this discovery of one’s actual self is honesty.
Yet our culture is instead taught from early on DIS-honesty. Many children learn to “pretend” to be who they are NOT and to instead live up to a pre-established level of “perfection.” Thus arises internal conflict; cognitive dissonance. We intuitively KNOW that there is a degree of angst inside our self. But, in order to get the basic physical and emotional necessities to make it through childhood, we don an alter-ego as we learn that our innate self and its feelings is not good enough.
Though our feelings are the barometers inherently intended to give us the feedback along our self-discovery journey, we are taught to dishonor and even stuff them out of our conscious awareness. Applying locks upon those emotional doors seems to do the job for awhile. Although the blaring internal signals are not then so obvious, the cause of those symptoms does not go away and those feelings merely crouch in a deep dark corner within… until a “day of reckoning” dawns which can no longer be denied. Volcanic eruption!
Because we don masks and alter-egos, we miss out on the opportunity to learn who we Actually are down deep inside. We learn to fear our feelings. Without honoring our own feelings, it is impossible to honor another’s. Thus, interactions are only relatively safe on the surface level. But, we exist to be intimate! We hunger for connection! “I am a rock, I am an island,” is NOT the ultimate answer to “Who AM I?” On the deepest of levels, always whispering to be discovered, is who we Truly Are, waiting to be valued and accepted, appreciated and NEEDED for our uniqueness.
Each soul begins mortal life perceiving himself as “the center of the universe” and expecting to be waited upon. Nature intended it that way. Narcissism is, thus, natural and expected in infancy. However, narcissistic tendencies that last into adulthood indicate an individual whose emotions got stuck in childhood while his physical body continued to grow.
When a young child never learns to truly respect himself because he never had a mother/ mentor with high self-respect hold him to stringent boundaries, narcissistic tendencies persist. There are several contributing factors here:
*financial needs of the mothers who choose to go back to work and, stressed for time to fulfill all the obligations of life, fail to raise their children with appropriate levels of respect for self and others
*emotional insecurities of the mothers who are turned into themselves and materialism, away from the innate emotional needs of their children
*young daycare attendants corralling behavior without the ability, the awareness, training, or authority to implant and mentor children in mature virtues
*the media and its fixation on materialism and disrespectful attitudes
*the depraved characteristics rampantly being portrayed of children being either “snotty” or “perfect” to gain attention
*the self-esteem culture giving out undeserved “strokes” which children inherently “see through,” doing greater ultimate harm than good
*the focus on being and looking “perfect,” the “best,” the “idol,” which leaves all the other (99.99%) feeling inferior
*implanted parental fear regarding utilizing their stewardship and authority to correct children’s mis-behavior through chastisement and physical discipline so children fail to receive secure boundaries
Without these boundaries implanted and enforced, the child does not learn to respect Mommy, but to “play” her, often becoming secretive and rebellious. Thus he fails to learn to trust that life is and can be dependable. Without this TRUST implanted, the child learns to fixate upon the measurable, physical world that seems to be more dependable, thus learning to BE what the situation seems to require at the time (a chameleon) and not Who HE Actually Is. Thus, those with narcissistic attributes often learned the traits in their attempts to maneuver through a rocky childhood.
Not all rocky childhoods create “narcissists.” Those who come into this life with a strong level of inner trust already established are often STRENGTHENED through their difficult childhoods and become exemplary parents, utilizing their own childhoods as valuable contrasting experience. They often, then, exhibit wisdom and personal fortitude.
Where does their initial strength come from?
From former life experiences.
Yes, if you have not already opened to the realization that we each experience multiple lives, then narcissists can expand your vision now.
Each essence (spirit, consciousness, choose the term you feel most comfortable with) must have opportunity for a wide-range of experiences in order to overcome the hurdles of a physical body and grow in her ability to utilize emotion correctly in each situation. This is the wisdom that is the goal for earth lives.
There are some of us who have nearly finalized our abilities to exercise wisdom in our interactions with others.
As I wrote in my Quora post Kimberly Davis Wallis’ answer to “Can narcissism be healed? And if so, what methods are available?”:
“Narcissism is a state of learned self-defense of ignorance.
One on the narcissistic scale has learned manipulative behavior in an attempt to mis-direct and hide their vulnerability.
The only remedy for any malady of ignorance is love.
But, since most people do not Truly understand the term “love,” and deal themselves in levels of ignorance, Narcissism is mostly thought an “untreatable disease.”
It is not.
Everything is either a call for love or an act of love.
A narcissist has not yet learned to love him self.”
Think back to a major theme from the story/musical/movie “Beauty and the Beast.” This is a “tale as old as time.” One who benefits from inciting the fear of the mob (in this case, Gaston, a stellar example of a “narcissist”), believes he must steal Belle’s heart from “the Beast” and spreads these words to the mob to incite their fear and support: “The beast will make off with your children! He’ll come after them in the night… He’ll wreak havoc on our village if we let him wander free. So it’s time to take some action, boys, it’s time to follow me!”
And then, these telling words (sung by the now-incited mob): “We don’t like what we don’t understand. In fact, it scares us. And this monster is mysterious at least! Bring your guns, bring your knives, save your children and your wives! We’ll save the village and our lives… we’ll kill the beast!”
It is human nature to fear what one does not understand. Today, with an epidemic crisis on our hands, there are many who have been deeply harmed by those suffering from “Narcissism.” Including the sufferer himself. If one does not truly know one’s self, one fears one’s self. With fear paramount because one’s True Identity has been shunned and stuffed deep within one’s subconscious, there is a continual battle going on.
But… this is only one type of narcissism. There is another source.
We have entered into a chapter of humanity’s evolution where those essences who had previously been held in reserve are now being born. These essences have never yet been spiritually foundationalized. They are young in spirit and, like a physical infant, require wise “mommies” to assist them in their spiritual (emotional) growth. If they fail to receive the correct nurturing in childhood, they must receive it later in life when emotional mastery is infinitely more painful and time-consuming to learn.
Because society has not understood the situation, and because the cause of narcissism is actually multi-faceted (as I have described above), these young spirits have largely slid through the cracks. Though they have physically grown up, they often did so by learning behaviors such as tattling, whining, rebellion and disobedience to authority figures, fighting and suspiciously eyeing others’ motives as potential threats, ever on the alert to engage in battle of one kind or another. Though they are just as precious as anyone else, their self-concept is skewed and fragile, causing them to stay within the realms of their often physical, mental strengths, attempting to side-step emotions altogether.
Please see more at: http://loveistheanswer.info/healing-narcissism/ and my many other posts about healing and gaining emotional mastery while learning to truly L.O.V.E.
Narcissists often experience troubled teenage years, the chapter when nature gives youngsters a second chance at righting their failed childhood tasks. Because narcissists have focused away from emotional growth and become, often, physically and/ or mentally strong, they often become literal “stars.” The attention they receive for their focus upon the temporal aspects of life further weakens their resolve to garner emotional maturity.
Yet, though they may receive stellar attention, they still long for close intimate relationships. Without firm childhood foundations learning emotional mastery and respect for themselves and others, those with these narcissistic tendencies do not yet have the tools to acquire the close connections they desire. Because they often gravitate to the top of leadership positions on account of their physical and mental propensities and their tendencies to either out-right or covertly push their way to the top, manipulating others for their self-centered agendas, these narcissistic individuals often escape detection. Yet, their wives, children, and employees feel the void. Some “survive” relationships by skirting emotional issues or living secretive private lives. Others accrue a growing list of injured parties.
Without his own inner reserves, a narcissist continually needs to be fueled with validation and attention from an outside source. Because of this, his spirit guides him to a “mother” figure. Thus, one highly empathic, having capacity to lift and empower others, is a prime candidate for his inner call to learn to become spiritually mature. It is only natural. Because society has not understood what is going on in these deepest of soul levels, the maternal partner has not had the support system or training in place to know what she is dealing with nor how to correctly help.
On a deep, forgotten soul level, a narcissist (or better, one who has not yet been foundationalized spiritually), and an empath (or one who has strong emotional understanding), are connected. Their bond is palpable. When the narcissist feels secure and has an open heart, their communication and intimacy is deep. The empathic partner “entrains” the other who soaks up and basks in the energy that she provides as a parched desert swells in the rainstorm. He can’t get enough of her attention, her light, her love. He feels relieved and secured. However, until he completely heals and finds the source of Light within his own being, he is volatile and capable of turning into his alter-ego. No man can continue long on “borrowed light.”
In the above quoted song from “Beauty and the Beast,” both Gaston and the Beast have strong narcissistic tendencies, and Belle must navigate them both. Three years ago, I attended the musical “Beauty and the Beast” with my “Beloved.” While driving away at its close, he turned to me and in frank and uncommon disclosure, acknowledged, “That was the story of you and me.” And then, later, “Thank you for showing me the beast within myself and helping me release him.” I was stunned at his humility, but drew closer to him with this revelation.
These last four years, living with my “Beloved,” has been a ride like no other. As he undertook his emotional tutelage, our intimacy grew and grew. He many times commented on how “in sync” we were. Our piano duets were amazing as we felt each other’s interpretation and matched it flawlessly. We would often come out with the same random remark, begin humming the same song at the same time, have the same appetite for meals, share interests that were beyond similar. He frequently referred to us as “twins.” As he plunged into ever deeper emotional levels, our love-making became amazing. Many a time he would look up to the heavens and utter: “TOP THAT!” because the sensations were exquisite and the connection was indescribable.
Yet, when he would feel threatened by a situation or innocent question, my “twin” would shape-shift within a split second. If I had not had the tremendous emotional reserves, there were many instances when I could have greatly feared him. Upon a question he was afraid to answer, he would turn from my tender best friend into a hideous “beast” intent on my destruction. Like a rabid dog, he would “hunt” any “thing” he could find (usually my phone, computer, purse, the car keys, my journals) that he believed held value to me. He would either take them to one of his children’s or friend’s homes or hide them somewhere. It was amazing his heightened ingenuity in these (several DOZENS of) times. He would dis-engage the garage door, the car battery, pile my clothes and things into the front entry, shove or push or yank me, preventing me from leaving the room or home.
He HATED for me to “ignore” him, yet I repeatedly refused to engage in his antics. Once he took out a butcher knife and angrily-dramatically attempted multiple times to ram it into his heart. Then he pled with me to do it for him, trying to push it into my hands. Instead, I chose to continue to sit on the sofa appearing disinterested while within I was pleading for divine assistance, willing myself to stay in my peaceful power, hoping that his raging energy would wane. It always did… eventually. Then there would be hours or days of his pouting and solitary ignoring.
This behavior was manifestation of being emotionally stuck in an early childhood pattern. For those who dealt with this man on a surface level, they would never imagine his exploits when faced with an emotional situation where he revealed attributes about himself that he otherwise kept hidden. In fact, he would state at times that his children and former wife would never believe that he could have gone to the places he did with me. Having lived (before life with me) without sharing of emotions, he had kept those traits pretty much hidden since a teen. On a platonic level, those with these tendencies can be so charming and honorable that others would never guess what they were capable of!
Gradually, life with me had introduced him to ever-deeper levels of his previously hidden inner world. Yet, these deeper levels were the same ones in which his emotional childhood scars were buried. Thus, in order to earn passage to the heightened joys and intimacies available at those levels, he was also required by nature to look at and heal his old wounds. Gradually he learned to honor (at least to a degree) his feelings, to pay attention to his dreams and deepest emotions… and to mine and others’ as well. Most who knew him saw him as “professional” and soft-spoken, yet because he was traversing new (scary-to-him) territory, an otherwise simple question had the potential to catapult him into bizarre childish and attention-seeking behavior.
Twice, bent on suicide (or so he claimed), he rigged up the car so the exhaust entered within it as he sat inside. He finally gave up after a while, realizing that I was not buying in to his antics.
One night he received and then forwarded an email to his daughters a cartoon spoof of two birds, asking “How do you tell which one is the female?” Then, one of the bird’s beaks began continually flapping. He thought that was ridiculously funny. When I expressed being uncomfortable with humor that denigrates females (or anyone), especially realizing that he had sent it to his own daughters, he began taunting me about being “too sensitive” and “temperamental.” Refusing to let me be heard in an attempt to expand his perspective, and apparently utilizing the scene to explode festering buried emotions, his energy and justification built up more and more. He wanted to banter and provoke a verbal battle. “Come on, I just want to have a little fun!”
Finally, getting no response from me, he begged me to spank him (waving his rear-end back and forth in my face) because he “was out of control” and needed my help to stop him. He demanded that I slap him (“right here”—rubbing his cheek). “Make me stop! I can’t stop by myself! Help me! Slap me, slap me! PLEASE, I’m outta control, I need you! Help me! Slap me!” Although I checked myself mid-stride, this was one of two times that I slapped him. Please understand: I felt no anger, just a desire to help him stop his antics and settle down.
The second slap occurred two years later. This time was in the early morning. We had been talking in bed and I was attempting to share with him my feelings of being disrespected and unheard. Then I asked him, “Are you even listening? Do you love me?” He dramatically turned over, away from me, and said, “I’m tired!” This time, again, I felt no anger, though I did feel disappointed hurt. As he was acting as a pouty little child, I instinctively reacted to bring him back inline… with a slap.
He immediately became enraged, rubbing repeatedly on his cheek. He then picked up his phone and snarled that he was “going to call the cops” unless I could give him a good reason for what I had just done. Within a couple minutes he had, again, worked himself into his “Mr. Hyde” state. I calmly implored him to “Please come back into your heart. Look at me. Remember our love and our relationship.” But he refused, and instead called the police, inventing a bizarre story of complete victimhood and “being sound asleep in the middle of the night” when I had slapped him from out of no where. Not! (I will post the experience tomorrow, along with “the rest of the story.”)
If my “Beloved” (who I have now separated from) reads this post, he may be deeply embarrassed by having these few (of many) anecdotes published. Yet, he realized a few months into our “marriage” that his emotional healing would potentially assist many others, taking upon himself writing in a journal to record his experiences for just that sake. We often talked about his successful gaining of understanding which would allow him to really assist me in helping others. I often sought to empower him by stating that his past did not matter, except to provide tools for insightful service and compassion as he helped others heal from similar situations.
Although he came so far in his soul growth, he refused to finalize his journey with me. It is my deep and abiding love and hope for his full healing that guides me to use him as the example we had agreed on in order to help others. Additionally, public shame may be just the catalyst to complete his healing. As long as we continue to allow these hurting individuals to play unwitting society as if they are the “victims” or the stalwart members of society, without taking serious their responsibility for emotional healing, their sham will be believed. Similar to those who are addicted to alcohol or drugs, until they are willing to honestly own their addiction (in this case, to the neurotransmitters released through anger), and willingly receive wise and intensive treatment, healing and maturity are impossible.
Yet, now is the time. Those of us who have the empathy, who feel the maternal desires to assist those who have never yet been emotionally foundationalized, have an opportunity to do great good. Like all worthy pursuits, the task before us may be grueling. Even with the purest of intents, we may be misjudged by others, even arrested (as I was).
Dealing with one with deep emotional wounds, or one who believes they are an adult while inside lives an emotionally wounded child… is not for the faint-of-heart.
Yet, when Nature wants a man made from a hurting child’s spirit, She will use those of us who are up to the challenge. With integrous fortitude we can then assist a traumatized soul to “grow UP” and gain emotional control and achieve the self-respect he’s hungered for. With that self-respect, he can then learn to truly respect others. Finally, the severed bond can be healed and he will be able to TRUST and BE TRUSTED, capable of feeling and experiencing the deep intimacy that his soul has craved.
THIS is L.O.V.E. !
When Nature Wants a Man
By Angela Morgan
When nature wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man,
When nature wants to mold a man,
To play the noblest part;
When she yearns with all her heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise—
Watch her method, watch her ways!
How she ruthlessly perfects
Whom she royally elects;
How she hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only nature understands—
While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!—
How she bends, but never breaks,
When his good she undertakes…
How she uses whom she chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out—
Nature knows what she’s about.
When nature wants to take a man,
And shake a man,
And wake a man;
When nature wants to make a man
To do the Future’s will;
When she tries with all her skill
And yearns with all her soul
To create him large and whole…
With what cunning she prepares him!
How she goads and never spares him,
How she whets him, and she frets him,
And in poverty begets him…
How she often disappoints
Whom she sacredly anoints,
With what wisdom she will hide him,
Never minding what betide him
Though his genius sob with slighting and his pride may not forget!
Bids him struggle harder yet.
Makes him lonely
So that only
God’s high message shall reach him,
So that she may surely teach him
What the Hierarchy planned.
Though he may not understand.
Gives him passion to command.
How remorselessly she spurs him
With terrific candor stirs him
When she poignantly prefers him!
When nature wants to name a man
And fame a man
And tame a man;
When nature wants to shame a man
To do his heavenly best…
When she tries the highest test
That she reckoning may bring—
When she wants a god or king!
How she reins him and restrains him
So his body scarce contains him
While she fires him
And inspires him!
Keeps him yearning, ever burning, for a tantalizing goal—
Lures and lacerates his soul.
Sets a challenge for his spirit,
Draws it higher when he’s near it—
Makes a jungle, that he clear it;
Makes a desert that he fear it
And subdue it if he can—
So doth Nature make a man.
Then, to test his spirit’s wrath
Hurls a mountain in his path—
Puts a bitter choice before him.
“Climb or perish!” so she says…
Watch her purpose, watch her ways!
Nature’s plan is wondrous kind
Could we understand her mind…
Fools are they who call her blind.
When his feet are torn and bleeding
Yet his spirit mounts unheeding,
All higher powers speeding,
Blazing newer paths and fine;
When the force that is divine
Leaps to challenge every failure and his ardor still is sweet
And love and hope are burning in the presence of defeat…
Lo, the crisis! Lo, the shout
That must call the leader out.
When the people need salvation,
Doth he come to lead the nation…
Then doth Nature show her plan
When the world has found—a MAN!
“Narcissism is on the rise” because…
Nature Wants A *MAN*!
In my pursuit of Real Truth, I have given up everything. Crawling through the “eye of the needle,” I have learned the *mysteries* and am now giving my life to assist YOU to dis-cover Who *YOU* really are, along with your unique gift to offer humanity. As you learn to seek (in the right place and with purified intent), you WILL find treasures of lasting value, along with every promised reward. Together, we will establish a society of humane beings and live life ALIVE, on PURPOSE, and with a sociality unequaled… because we will each BE and view each other as equally and profoundly DIVINE! Please… catch this Hope and Vision and join with me.