Carrie was a cashier who worked at Superstition Ranch Market in east Mesa where I often shopped for produce. While going through her line one day in the spring of 1996, upon first meeting her, she commented, intrigued, with my “happy, gentle nature” and with the “kindness and happiness” of my children. We shared a few pleasantries and that was it. I thought.
Over the next few weeks, there were several other times that Carrie “just happened” to be my cashier and we had brief interaction, until, one day, she blurted out: “What is it about you?! You are so different! So peaceful! I need and want that in my life! Would you help me?!” Of course I would, if I could. (And, from my strong Mormon point-of-view at that time, this was the “Golden Question!” She must be ready for the gospel!)
Carrie and I shared a few simple experiences, including “Christmas,” when she broached the subject of the church. (“Wow, this is it!” I thought.) I shared some of the basic principles with Carrie and she seemed so receptive. As she had additionally felt warmth from another woman, Carol, an acquaintance of mine who also shopped at the market, I called up Carol and, together, we organized an evening at Carrie’s apartment with two young, male, LDS missionaries and Carol’s newly-returned-home missionary daughter, Janae.
Carrie had recently left an abusive relationship with her two young children where she had been beaten and cut-up, requiring intensive hospital treatment. Her inner stitching, she felt, was administered incorrectly and because of her low-income status, and was then causing her tremendous pain. I truly believed that with me and, potentially “the church,” as her allies, that she could receive all she needed to bring her peace and healing.
Meeting at her home on the appointed evening, Carrie looked to me to take charge of the situation. I suggested she offer a prayer. She hesitated, so I offered that she just say what was in her beautiful heart. She did. Her words were so humble and child-like, filled with hope and gratitude. At her conclusion, I volunteered that she had really invited in the “Spirit of the Lord” with her prayer. She immediately appeared tense, and, looking at me with narrowed eyes, sharply asked, “What do you mean?!” I attempted to gently express that her sweet words had allowed for us to welcome “the Spirit” into our experience.
Carrie became agitated, lighting up a cigarette and jerkily pacing the tiny room. Finally, she sat back down, pointedly accusing those young elders: “I know what you’re thinking! Quit it! I can tell what you’re thinking! I can see it in your eyes!”
Those sweet and naïve young men were completely at a loss of how to respond, finally saying, “We’re just wondering what happened to you and what we can do to help.”
When Carrie did not seem apt to calm down after several minutes, I suggested the missionaries leave, which they did, until just Carol, Carrie and I were left together. As we tried to assure her that she was safe and that we loved her and welcomed her to share with us what she was experiencing, Carrie seemed to relax somewhat and revealed that she, at one point in her young life, had been involved in “Satanic Worship” and that my comment had used some of the same words that had been imprinted in her then, bringing it all back fresh into her mind and present experience. She then asked us to leave and… never answered my phone calls or allowed me to have anything to do with her again.
I left bewildered, yet knowing, as I always did throughout all my varied experiences, that “Someday I’ll understand!” Well, understanding did come, albeit in a totally unprecedented and unrelated (or so I thought) manner.
It was now a Sunday afternoon, several months later. We had attended church services and the children and I had each laid down in our rooms for a nap. I was awakened, feeling a presence standing to the right of me that asked: “Remember your experience with Carrie?” (Pause.) “Do you remember how Lucifer has the power to change the way a person sees?” I silently responded with “Yes,” as I reflected briefly on how Carrie had certainly seen something very different than I did as she looked at those young men. I waited for the next instruction, but nothing came. I continued to feel the presence standing next to me on my right, but after a few minutes of unfruitful waiting, I had the thought to get up and go check on the children. They were each sound asleep in their beds. “Hmm… Where’s David?” Now, I searched for him. (Our house was quite large and with many rooms.) I found him downstairs in his office, working on the computer, with his back toward the door.
I asked, “Oh, there you are. What are you doing?” He whipped around in his swivel chair, glaring at me, and retorted, “I’m doing the BUDGET, what do you THINK I’m doing!!!” I immediately and gently felt an arm from my still-present unseen mentor come around and brace me up. I then realized that this experience must be a continuation of my “lesson.” Surprised at David’s answer as he had just a few days before this given me the assignment of being in charge of our money, and quite stunned by his sudden, heated outburst, I asked, curious, “Why are you talking to me like that?” Raising his voice even more than before, he spit out: “Because YOU’RE talking to ME like that!!!” Still feeling upheld around my shoulders by my unseen “friend,” I quietly turned around and left the room. Then, I received the next part of my tutoring: “Now, you can see that Lucifer can change the way a person hears, also.” I pondered long on this most amazing life lesson that I had been offered.
About five years and two houses later, the following experience occurred:
One night in late April 2002, I sat in one of the pink velour chairs in the sitting area of the master bedroom, a chair that had for so many years belonged to my Davis grandparents before they passed them on to me. I was working on a cross-stitch commemorating Spencer’s birth.
While peacefully stitching and pondering, David walked through the room, heading for the closet where he started packing for his business trip the next day. He had been telling the children stories and tucking them into bed. I pondered upon how the children loved having David tell his creative bedtime stories, utilizing each one of them as an animal in the plot.
My thoughts and feelings continued. Oh, how I loved that man! Allowing myself to flood with the depth of pure feeling for him, I reflected on our experiences together. I realized that no one could possibly even remotely love him as much as I did. I focused on his unique and amazing qualities, his creativity, his ability to off-the-cuff compose stories which the children loved to hear in the occasional bedtimes when he was available. He had a brilliant mind which I had witnessed many times and which had repeatedly come in handy in his legal profession. He was a hard and committed worker who did not shirk from physical labor. He had an ability to provide management to situations that was helpful and productive. There had been by that time numerous tender moments that we had shared. He had grown so much in the last couple years as he had been exposing his heart more than ever! Ooooh… as I continued to focus with my eyes of appreciation and love on the greatness of the character that he had presented, I was in awe of his tremendous beauty.
There came a point in my ponderings when that which had been submerged in my awareness became more and more “heard” and “visible.” I realized that someone must have opened the windows in my room. I heard the beautiful songbirds singing their early morning welcoming spring songs. I felt a gentle, sweet-scented breeze wafting around me, the subtle yet tantalizing smells and sounds, the iridescent quality of the surrounding air. I put my cross-stitch down, leaned back, and enjoyed the delicious sensations and serenity, becoming more and more immersed in them. All the while, the air sparkled with a radiance that I had only to that point of time been aware of on a few other occasions. All was tranquil. Iridescent. Joy-filled. I relaxed into the beauty of my gratitude and love.
Then it struck me. Suddenly. My logical mind engaged and took over. It was NOT morning… in fact it was rather late in the evening. My bedroom windows were NOT open. The birds were NOT singing. There was No gentle and sweet-smelling spring breeze wafting through my bedroom. As I came to a rational understanding of the “reality” of my situation, that other fleeting “reality” came to an abrupt halt and I found myself back in “normalcy”… or at least the “mode of living” that I had grown accustomed to. As I did so, I was given these words: “April showers bring May flowers.”
I have since come to learn so much that has allowed these two experiences to flood with meaning. Before venturing on, I will define the term “Lucifer” in a way that, hopefully, will dispel any fear and judgment, making “him” understandable and capable of being dealt with. “Lucifer” refers to the “carnal, natural man.” Lucifer is the aspect of any one of us WHEN we deal with life through eyes of fear, judgment, self-centeredness. As stated in scripture, “the natural man is an enemy to God.” In other words, when we think/ see/ hear/ live life rooted in our carnal nature, we are cut off from the heavenly bounties of Reality and Goodness.
When Carrie heard my encouraging words to her after her sincere prayer, she heard with “Lucifer’s ears.” Because she held unprocessed trauma within herself, my words which were similar to those she had used in a fearful situation, triggered those same fears and judgments. She suddenly found herself back in a world of darkness, distress, a scene from which she had tried to extricate herself. She again felt helpless and small and, thus, began to panic. Carrie’s eyes, clouded by a vision rooted in a darkened mind, revealed to her a state that was far from the one that the other five of us were experiencing. When she looked within the missionary’s eyes, she meant it when she said “I know what you’re thinking, I can see it in your eyes!” She was speaking her truth! She could see something that the rest of us could not. Something not even there in our realities. She was being honest; at least according to her belief system.
Here’s the principle:
By superimposing our beliefs over the reality of a situation, one forces the reality to appear to conform to one’s beliefs. Our world is the world we make it to be… from the inside out. According to our beliefs, we see the world. Our beliefs stem from our life experiences and are warped and filtered according to our prejudices and unprocessed emotions. Any and all trapped feelings literally veil the Actual Truth of our reality, creating a different world for each one of us.
Using again my second husband Dave as a great example, there were many times when he would be enraged and all the madder because I would not join him but would silently sit on the bed, avoiding his eye contact, placing my attention instead on solidifying a secure energetic barrier around myself while simultaneously sending subduing energy out to him. I had learned through much experience with him that to become a “rock” was usually the safest choice when he would “go there.” When he was in that space, his ability to be rational would plummet considerably, along with his memory. When he finally came back from his angry drunken spiel, he would have largely blacked out most anything he had said or done. One time, in his great anger, he spewed forth “You. Are. So. Ugly.! You need to see how ugly you are!” He was back a few moments later with his phone and took my picture. I knew my heart. I knew the peace deep within my soul. Yet, a couple days later, when he had calmed down and we looked at the picture… yep, it reflected the composure I was feeling, the unseen love and calmness I was sending out to him. Ugly? I didn’t think so.
Do I share these experiences to shame him? No. Not exactly, at least. I share these experiences I’ve had with him and others because they were such a profound curriculum from which to learn. IF transparency brings shame that can assist him to open up and heal, then, oh yes, I will do anything in my power to help him get to… and stay within… that healing place.
Again, By superimposing our beliefs over the reality of a situation, one forces the reality to appear to conform to one’s beliefs. Literally, what you believe, you see! What you believe, you hear!
IF your heart is rooted in gratitude and wonder, THEN your belief system will yield beauty and give you in return opportunity to marvel. This has been shown to me through myriad experiences and as exampled in the above lesson I graphically received that night in April 2002.
The phrase “April showers bring May flowers” signifies the principle that April, the season of our lives when the rain and wind are at their height, causing emotional torrents, movement and confusion… is preparing the way for May, the season where the wind and rain have calmed down, the sun shines brighter, the days are longer, and the delicate beautiful flowers of spring show their faces, making it all worth while. (I hope you saw the loaded symbolism in this sentence/ paragraph.)
Again, I encourage each of you to go to the link on the right, down-load and print off “The TRUE Ten Commandments,” reading and studying them daily until they are imprinted upon your very cells and uploaded to your long-term memory. Feast upon these words. Program them/ command them in to your neural circuitry. Make them Your Words. Then, live them. 100%. Allow them to infuse LIFE into you. Let them change you, move you into a reality that is far more beauty-filled and delicious than any you might have experienced so far. But, don’t take my word for it. Prove the words. Experiment upon them in sincerity. Try them.
What have you got to lose?
Truly, you just might leave the carnal, fallen world and its ways of utilizing your senses and thoughts that have kept you trapped. You just might seamlessly “morph” over and join me here in the “alternate reality,” the one rooted in a heart of gratitude, the heaven promised within the amazing Sermon on the Mount. It’s here. Now. Waiting for you to choose it completely. And, again, I invite you:
Allow a pristine and splendid reality to reveal to you the world as it Could be; the world where your triggers have been healed, the buried fears and judgments have been released and filled in with serenity and acceptance, wonder and awe.
Thank “Lucifer” for offering you the experiences in contrast, but then no longer utilize him as the one on your mental throne. Let the rational mind (“Lucifer”) become your servant. He will learn that that is his preferred position anyway.
Love and honor and allow to reign your divine and holy Self. The one deep within who has the potential for Wisdom.
Tomorrow, maybe, I will write more regarding HOW to remain upon your inner throne of peace and empowerment when the storms are raging all around, intent upon your devastation.
In my pursuit of Real Truth, I have given up everything. Crawling through the “eye of the needle,” I have learned the *mysteries* and am now giving my life to assist YOU to dis-cover Who *YOU* really are, along with your unique gift to offer humanity. As you learn to seek (in the right place and with purified intent), you WILL find treasures of lasting value, along with every promised reward. Together, we will establish a society of humane beings and live life ALIVE, on PURPOSE, and with a sociality unequaled… because we will each BE and view each other as equally and profoundly DIVINE! Please… catch this Hope and Vision and join with me.